


Another Splatoon Story

by CottonLegJoe



Series: The DutchMann Chronicles [1]
Category: Splatoon
Genre: Capitalizes on free world building, Gen, It's one of those stories that gets updated every chapter, Long and unnecessary prologue, Malleable Characters, Slight Fourth Wall Breaks, Very ordinary, but not too much, for now, just slow, not slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:07:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26540401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CottonLegJoe/pseuds/CottonLegJoe
Summary: It's just another Splatoon story. What more is there to say? Action, wit, crappy humour, potential romance? As straightforward and vanilla as you can get. Because sometimes, after all the emotional chocolate, you need some vanilla to sweeten your taste buds.
Series: The DutchMann Chronicles [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929928





	1. Prologue: Yep, that's me.

**Author's Note:**

> Man, it feels good to be back writing familiar characters in a fresh coat of paint. Malleable characters with malleable personalities. Not that RPG nonsense. That's what so hard about this style of writing: you don't have author's intent, so no matter what, your interpretation of a character will be flawed. Likewise, there is also free world building sitting there for you.
> 
> But author's intent is important, and, taking advice from the high schooler who wrote the longest literature in history, listening to music might help the mood, or even imagining it, so, as the stories progress, I'll try to give what music I like to listen to as I write each chapter. I might even make a note as to which time in the chapter to play. Like a movie. Except in your mind. Think of it like that, and know that nothing makes sense.
> 
> Also please note that all properties used in this work, whether in allusion or shown, are not mine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Music Suggestions:
> 
> TheWho's "Baba O'Riley"  
> A Day to Remember's "Another Song About the Weekend."(Pretend there's a title card at the end of the Prologue pls.)

*Freeze Frame**Record Scratch.*

Yep, that's me. You're probably wondering, "Where are you right now? Who are you? Any information?"

Silly you. You're reading. You can't get anything about detail without me telling you. Or can you? Of course you can! See, while I'm a two dimensional character with no form, existing only until this story ends, you're a whole dimension above me! I start and end with the story, but you have power over it! So use it. Imagine what a giant metallic Space Elevator looks like, or a beautiful floating city, or me beating the crap out of people, and you'll enjoy all stories a lot more.

And yes, in case you haven't guessed, It's me, Agent Four, real name pending, the main character of the whole story. Ah, but let's not get ahead of ourselves. I should probably sit down, this is gonna be a long tale. Actually, I can't, as me, my friend girl girl friend girl, and this giant space elevator are currently drifting off into deep space.

Now that your most fundamental questions are sated, you're probably wondering how I got here. Well, it all started a few days ago when I went to "retrieve" and old artifact...


	2. Chapter 1: Invaders of the Last Mart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Music suggestions:  
> John Williams' Indiana Jones Theme Song   
> Xenoblade 2's "Counterattack"(Not a great pick for this chapter but it's helps motivate writing)  
> John Williams' "The Idol Temple" (For, yknow, the part that's a spoof of the Idol Temple.)  
> John Williams' "Escape From the Temple"(For, yknow, the part where there's an escape from the Temple."

Forest. 

Forest. Forest. Forest. As far as the eye could see. Look to your left: Forest. Your right: A waterfall, but still forest. Straight ahead?

"Octarian Ink." A familiar, oval headed creature said, translated into modern english as per your convenience."They know we're here."

"If they knew we were here, my friend, they would have killed us already." An even more familiar, 'spike' haired non narrator smiled and said.

And so the duo carefully creeped, cover to cover. From "helping" the local wildlife by cutting some overgrown grass, to jumping across a bed of rocks over a river, they went on. Until the forest stopped, and the metal began.

"This is it." Four sighed."The last Walmart. Where Sheldon cashed in."

"Friend of yours?" The other guy said.

"Yeah, more or less." Four groaned. "He's good at finding this stuff."

Other guy tugged at Four's arm.

"Please, Señor, no man has come out of there alive." Other guy begged."Especially this night. Please, look up at the sun, it's a Black Friday."

"Actually, newer studies suggest that the humans' Black Friday might not have anything to do with the solar eclipse." Four chuckled and removed his gear."Now come on."

Other guy did the same, and without a hitch, at least from the ever so eager Four, they went through the disabled and yet open sliding doors.

Not five steps in to the dark Mart that a low "Señor" was uttered by the Other Guy.

Four equipped his trusty Octobrush and pointed it behind him, and knicked something off.

A smallfry.

Four gestured for Other Guy to turn around. He did so, and Four found a smallfry infestation akin to a beehive's mating season.

Other guy whimpered, Four chuckled, and knicked them all off.

The two brushed that experience off, and went in, past a single window, with light coming from the outside, and came across a large hole in the middle of an aisle they needed to cross.

"Oh, great, how do we cross this?" Other guy groaned.

Four meanwhile looked at the length of the hole, then back to himself, and sighed.

He then unfolded his Octobrush once more, flipped a switch, revealing another side, then split the weapon in two.

"Pretty cool, huh?" Four grinned.

"You can't pole vault with a non bendable object, you know." Other guy sighed.

"What? Who said anything about pole vaulting?" Four asked while jumping into the abyss.

While Other Guy was sure he was dead, Four stabbed the earthly underground of the hole to break his fall, then steadily unsheathed and stabbed a higher point on the wall, managing to climb it by exchanging blades.

"See? Sometimes thinking out of the box pays off!" Four heartily joked."Now come on."

Four snapped the two blades together again and chucked them across the pit, into Other Guy's hands.

Other Guy stayed silent, gulped, and took a leap of faith. Unfortunately, this leap of faith was with his arms covered, hugging the brush, so, at the closest point to the other side, Four grabbed his brush, Other Guy dangling on it.

After Four lifted Other Guy up, they picked up where they left off, and after more decrepit, overgrown shelves, and a hard right turn past a book aisle, they found it.

A single, rectangular room, filled all over the side with empty shelves, and in it, housed a single box, which inside had...

"The Wii U." Four gasp/sighed."The rarest console produced by our predecessors."

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Other Guy exclaimed."There's nothing to fear here!"

"Agreed!" Four joyously yelled, running towards the box, only for his foot to save him by triggering a sensor, which launched an arrow straight where his head would be.

Four, freaked out and surprised in both thought and expression, yelped and fell back.

"Oh great, booby traps, what do we do now?" Other Guy whined.

While he was whining, Four went ahead and raised his fingers in an L shape to get a read on some angles. Once both were finished, Four dug in his pockets and came up with a single curling bomb.

"Just like Pool back at home." Four joked, throwing the bomb to his shoes and giving it a hearty kick.

The curling bomb did as planned, and set off every sensor on the ground, littering the place with arrows.

Four, grinning smugly at his wit, charged forward to get a better look at the Wii U and its pedestal.

"Come on, they're empty."Four exclaimed and gestured to Other Guy, who shook his head.

Four gave a childish grin to this, until he inspected the pedestal.

"Shit." Four said."Pressure plate."

"What?" Other Guy exclaimed, his disbelief suspending his fear as he charged forward to get a look."Why didn't you plan for this?"

"I don't usually have to think this far ahead!" Four answered back.

While Other Guy panicked, sighed, and thought about what to do next, Four noticed an unhinged sensor to the right of him, and so he yanked it out and put it in front of the pedestal. Gesturing his hand, Other Guy quickly obliged and got his laser cutter out, and so Four ever carefully sliced it into pieces, and picked up a quite heavy one, and gestured Other Guy to stand back. He put himself right near the pedestal.

Knees weak. Arms Heavy.

Other Guy sweaty.

Four grabbed his chin and sweat.

His facial expression of pure fear.

His jaw moving on its own.

Other Guy bit his tongue.

As he moved closer.

Closer.

Closer.

Closer.

He moved over...

..And replaced it.

Four and Other Guy let out a massive sigh.

"Well, glad that's over with!" Four said in glee, closing his eye and cartoonishly turning around.

What met Four right after he opened his eye was a horrified Other Guy and a collapsing building. Of course, as soon as Four turned around, the metal piece had already activated the pressure plate. Other Guy used this opportunity and nabbed the Brush and the Wii U from Four and ran off, Four close behind.

Once Other Guy came back to the pit, he tore off the second blade quickly, threw the Wii U to the other side, jumped, and pulled in and out faster than a gay orgy with small peens.

"Throw me the brush!" Four yelled as he got to the pit.

"Adios, Señor." Other Guy said as he dug the two blades deep into the ground next to the hole, running off.

Four, with but a microsecond of hesitation, tore off his lab coat, revealing a very plain yellow shirt underneath, and jumped to the side wall, kicking it for momentum, grabbed both ends of the coat, and miraculously hung his coat on one of his twin blades. Using this, Four turned his body and ran up the wall, and once again above surface, put his coat back on, grabbed his twin blades, and ran after Other Guy, until they reached the window.

"Wait, Wait!" Four yelled desperately. "Don't go into the light, it's a...!"

Of course, his sentence was postponed by Other Guy being impaled by the reason he was named "Other Guy".

Once Four's sentence resumed, all he could think of was "AHHH! AHHH! AHHH!" in the most childish way while falling down.

This went on for a few seconds before he heard more of the Walmart crumble, so he did what he did best and multitasked screaming and running away, not to mention picking up the Wii U.

Four managed to run back relatively close to the entrance before the crumbling of the building got so severe that all of the shelves started to rapidly fall down, and Four was followed closely by collapsing shelves and rubble.

Once Four managed to get back to the entrance, he was forced to make a leap of faith, squeezing through the broken automatic doors and out into the forest again, tumbling down a hill and landing face first into the dirt.

To Four's surprise, his view of the lush forest where he was safe was interrupted and blocked by a thousand Octoshots. Pointed directly at his cranium.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If one of you says that it's a jungle and not a forest I will lose my mind.


	3. Chapter 2: On Stranger Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Music Suggestions:  
> John William's Indiana Jones Theme Song  
> Hans Zimmer's Pirates OOF the Caribbean(Because why not)  
> Hans Zimmer's Jack Sparrow

Four let out an intensive groan that was so loud, it scared away the wildlife.

"And so we meet again, grave robber." The leader of the pack with the kelp went forward and said.

"The term is: Archeologist." Four sighed.

"Ah, yes, and Archeologist with no permit by either countries, nor a degree of any form, nor any actual tools." The general Octoling sighed. "And now, no more friends, and no more artifact. This is our territory, which makes that treasure our property that you're stealing. Which makes you a thief, a scoundrel, and a P..."

"You know, I never got the whole kelp thing." Four interrupted."I know it's a marking of higher order, but why? Seems counterproductive, if you asked me."

"And how so?" The black hair, or tentacled, Octoling said.

That was before the sound and crackle of a Splat Charger was heard, and its green liquid came rushing out and came coating anything in its path with, well, no major difference.

It missed its target by a foot.

"Did-did I do good?" The strange and very pasty Inkling said.

"You did great, love." Four grinned, pointing his thumbs to the sky."Now start running."

The Inkling in the fancy English dress obliged, and ran, in high heels.

Four made a face at that notion.

But not before using the General Octoling's hair kelp to tie her hands together. And running to the waterfall.

"Goodbye again, General Amnitey."Four exclaimed, waving his nonexistent hat around. "Or was it Amniti? Amintey?"

"Oh, for the love of it all, it's AMBER!" General Amnitie screamed."All forces, after him! We can't let him get away with this, not again!"

Four managed to run through untold amounts of massive trees, vines, bushes, teeming wildlife, as slimy and as bug-like as per your discretion.

When he reached the end of the road, directly next to the waterfall and its lake, he stopped. So did the army that was chasing him.

"You don't have anymore options to run to." One Octarian laughed.

"And you don't have depth perception so HA!" Four laughed.

And so he did what he does best and jumped off of a high place.

As it turned out, he was right. The waterfall and the lake were leagues away, separated by a massive chasm.

"Damn Goggles!" Half the army screamed while removing them to take a look.

While the army looked over in awe, one peculiarly peeved Octoling peered her head.

"I thought there was a strict protocol about leaving your goggles?" General Animty sighed."But, whatever. We have Four's treasure, and he has a meeting with Davy Jones at the bottom of the cliff."

The whole crew gathered around the general to reap their spoils and open the box. Some were already jumping for joy of their riches, while the others, including the general, twitched their fingers in sheer anticipation as they rubbed their oddly unsettling sharp teeth together. And when the twitching reached the latch to open the box, the General lifted it, and found...

A drawing of a key.

* * *

Four breathed a sigh of relief. Thankfully, the cliff was just concave enough to hide himself from the bickering Octarian forces. But just convex enough for him to hide out on. 

For an hour.

Once Four realized it was the middle of the day and he stole the thing at like 6 AM, he finally mustered the courage to rise up out of the ground, sword in hand, and found...

Absolutely no one. They all left, save for the Wii U's box.

"It ain't exactly mint." Four sighed, putting the Wii U back in its place.

With a somewhat heavy heart, Four went back the Walmart, then back the route he came, past the 3 day old ink, until he reached a secret cove covered by various greenery.

Four did his usual helping of the environment by cutting the overgrowth, and heading inside to find his ship.

"I see I bought you enough time to start the engines." Four sighed, looking at the semi broken hull.

"More than enough." The very, very pale inkling giggled. She came out of the one and only room in the ship, and jumped down with very poor jumping posture.

Before she could "stick" the landing, however, Four ran and caught her, gently putting her down, then giving her a stern look.

"You know what you did." Four raised an eyebrow playfully. "I had it handled!"

"But that other guy didn't come out." The well dressed, and yes, pale, inkling inquired, turning her head in question.

"I told you he was a bloody lummox." Four giggled, before getting them both on the ship, turning its engines, getting out of the grotto, and sailing the skies.

* * *

"Yes, yes, Sheldon, I know." Four sighed."Yes, this is the third time I've been late."

"And by pattern, that would mean a Fourth." The phone by Four's ear told.

"Hold on, that's a gambler's fallacy." Four told back. "So I just gotta sub for the professor of....?"

"Archeology." Sheldon sighed. "More specifically, Mr. Burnside's Sapien Archeology course. They're undergrads, so don't go too rough on them."

Four would have liked to come up with a witty quip, but he unfortunately came up on the campus, so he just parked his flying ship wherever, and ran past the destroyed meadow, past the very irritating long halls, and even that one area of the Institution where all of the kids partook in "Basically that one Rick and Morty episode where there's a revival machine and the kids play with guns but it's more gruesome.", as Four eloquently put it.

And finally, after stifling into the correct hallway, Four came up on a packed lecture course of depressed Uni students who had nothing better to do.

"This class is half full." Sheldon, who, through the somehow still active phone, said.

Four raised an eyebrow at this, then shut the phone off.

He then found a half full coffee cup near the desk, and proceeded to toss the cold mess on to the floor, grabbing the nearest bottle of rum, which was on his person, and filling the cup.

Grabbing the lesson plan from the desk, Four was instructed to go to pages 54-108 of the biography of one Jack Sparrow, one of the Homo Sapiens' most renowned philosophers.

And so Four did as instructed, and, right on the page that they were supposed to start on, was Four's face, taking one of Sparrow's most famous works, a broken down Blu-Ray of Dead Man's Chest.

Four, of course, noticed this, and was obviously taken aback, his face showing. But his students noticed also, and began murmuring amongst themselves. Once the murmuring stopped, one young man finally arose from his back seat to say:

"Y-you're the guy in the photo who recovered the Blu-Ray."

And with that notion, the students got out of their chairs and got as close to Four as possible, like a herd of sheep.

"W-well, not to be boastful, but..." Four chuckled.

* * *

"And that's how I tricked the cannons to fire on themselves." Four said, swinging his near empty bottle of rum around his now huddled class.

This, of course, was all Sheldon managed to see, as he walked into the classroom. Four had to look twice and rub his eyes to check.

"Bugger off now, ya little mongrels." Four merrily said. And all of them did. Except for one girl.

"Why do you work the job you do, Mr?" She eagerly said. "What do you work for?"

"I work to have the most important thing a man can have, love: surviving for another day." Four responded, patting her on the back.

Sheldon just sighed as he walked up to the drunk Four.

"And I thought I gave you an easy class." Sheldon said.

"An easy class was the Physics class." Four responded." I just said 'quantum' over and over. This is a medium on the difficulty scale."

Four and Sheldon laughed, and the two went off. As they walked through the dirt trampled halls and Mr. Burnside's slightly malformed, to Four's knowledge, face, as he witnessed his torn up classroom. Four heartily laughed, and took another swig of rum.

"This rum tastes funny." Four inquired. "The solution? Drink more of it."

And so Four did, and shut his mouth with the bottle, until he could faintly notice the cement his face was about to hit.

* * *

"This is a strange change of pace." Four laughed, a splat charger pointed directly at his cranium. "But I like it, we should do it more."

Four could vaguely notice the two hooded figures of differentiating size bickering about something, but he didn't mind. All he saw was a strange floating platform with a shed on it. That he was on. 

Four paid no heed to this and started using his senses. Once he sniffed and listened and eyed the place down, he could only come to one conclusion about escape.

"That tree is fake." Four told the hooded figures.

After Four heard a sound vaguely sounding like a palm hitting a face, Four noticed the chair he was tied to. It was rickety. 

After the two were done bickering, the two removed their coverings to reveal...

"Sheldon?" Four exclaimed." I'm not involved in some government conspiracy, am I?"

Their reaction to this was a Splat Charger closer to Four's Cranium.

"Do you know how hard it was to get to this meetup?" The taller one, who was probably a grandma, spake.

Four just raised his eyebrows.

"I like you." Four grinned. "I'm gonna give you an offer you can't refuse: You lower your guns, and I will let you live.Yes, I will let you live."

"W-what?" The GILF asked. "y-you're tied up to a chair."

Sheldon just rolled his eyes.

"I take that as a no." Four sighed.

Four shrugged, stood up, and for a split second, locked eyes with his elderly captor, before running up the fake tree, and leaping for dear life. The result of leaping was landing chair first on the tip of the elderly woman's Splat Charger, causing it to flip in the air, and as Four managed to wiggle his way out of the rope, land it straight into his hands.

Four quickly charged it and held the weapon right into the barrel of a Flintlock Pistol.

"Oi, that's my pistol." Four yelled. "Fine. Let's do tradesies. You go first."

"And what could this archaic weapon mean to you?" Gram-Gram asked.

"That's my mother's pistol, now hand it over." Four said in a ascendingly stern voice.

The grandma shrugged, threw the pistol at Four, who, at the same time, threw the neon Splat Charger.

"Now can you please let me talk?" The grandma asked in the most forced sincere voice ever.

"I mean, you're already talking." Four sighed. "Can't do anything about that. But if you're willing to bargain, I'm your man."

"Fine." The grandma sighed. "As you probably know, it's me, Marie, of the Squid Sisters."

"What does some cafe place have to do with this?" Four asked. 

"Look, we're in need of your services." Marie sighed. "We're sorta low handed here, and Sheldon spoke highly of you."

Sheldon accompanied this with a creepy smile and two thumbs up.

"We needed to keep this secret." Marie sternly said. "And frankly, I don't trust you, Pirate."

"Hold on there." Four exponentially sterned up." The word is 'Freelance Privateer'. Or Buccaneer. Or anything else. I am not a pirate."

Marie clearly took offense to that sentence, as she slapped a file onto the ground. The two things that came out were photographs of inklings with an iron branded 'P' on their arms.

"Then explain this: Two Pirates, infamous ones, I may add, come together, birth two children, and leave them. Then, some upper middle classmen with fancy tastes for treasure and rare artifacts come about, and look, they were two orphaned siblings." Marie near yelled. "So explain this, Pirate."

Four, who may I add was suffering from a massive hangover, immediately sobered up, defying all logical thinking and running towards his target, pistol down, to get at her. To his luck, Marie didn't move a muscle, and stood still as Four shoved his pistol at the bottom of her head.

"Ah yes." Four said, all his childlike wonder sucked out of his voice. "Accuse the orphan who got stuck taking care of his sister, alone, while his parents screw off having the time of their lives. They sacrificed my freedom for theirs. They mark me with nothing."

After the two got into a heated staring contest, Sheldon was forced to step in and push the two lovebirds away from each other.

"I told you hiring a PIRATE was a mistake, Sheldon." Marie said, emphasis on 'PIRATE.'

Four said nothing and just attempted to shoot her, before Sheldon held down Four's gun before he could shoot, and dragging Four into the corner.

"Look, we need your help to interrogate some folks." Sheldon sighed. 

Four didn't even answer. As he tried his hardest to put his gun up to Marie's head, Sheldon kept pushing him back, until they came across a strange manhole. Four noticed this, and withdrew almost all of his "emotions".

With a shrug, Four opened the manhole, and jumped through, as a stream of ink barely hit his hair(?).

"You know we can't let him moseying off with our secrets here." Marie said. "Go track him."

* * *

After a seemingly endless trek through sewage, filth, and a homeless person, Four finally came across the other side of the lobby: Inkopolis Plaza.

"A city away from where I parked." Four sighed. "Magnificent."

Since it was still day out, Four decided that he should at least give the city a chance and walk around a bit. He found a massive tower, a massive arcade, a massive Café, and a backalley bar.

Four chose the bar.

Four gleefully ran towards the aged sign and the cracking stone to a small oak colored place in the middle of a dank alley. Once the aroma of lowlives and rum captivated him, he went in and found exactly that, taking a seat on a booth right next to barkeep. 

"Rum. Your cheapest and largest size." Four asked.

As the barkeep obliged and buggered off, Four got a whisper in his ear, saying. 

"Ello, Jackie."

"Name's Jeckel, Dad." Four sighed.

A large glass full of rum was slid down the counter. Four managed to stop it with minimal spill. Then he took a drink, his father following suit.

"Heard what you did for me." Four's father sighed."Again."

"Don't mention it." Four smirked. "We're thick as thieves, you and I."

"That's because we are." Four's father smirked."And I know what you said to the fine grandma. That wasn't all malarkey."

"I would have done what you would've in your situation." Four sighed.

"Doesn't mean you have to like it." Four's father patted him on the back."There were other ways to make money. Just none other that I could live with."

"Neither could I." Four sighed.

"Better were the days when the law and land were determined not by cosmically horrific games and ballots, but by the sweat of a man's brow, and the strength of his back, and the grit of his teeth, and the wit of his mind." Four's father said.

Four, his father, and anyone within earshot took to a drink to that.

"I know you didn't just come here for a conjugal visit." Four said.

"Son, I'm not getting any younger." Four's father sighed."I think it's time I made good with my life, don't ya think?"

"No way, you mean you're retiring?" Four, and anyone in earshot jumped, but only Four responded."You're the best damn pirate i've ever heard of!"

"It would be the best for both you and me." Four's father sighed."You and your sister don't need to be taken care of anymore, and you shouldn't be bound by my name." 

"What about that Fountain of Youth thing you found?" Four asked.

"Aye, I couldn't take years off of another man's life just to save my own skin, and neither could you." Four's father responded." Just wish I could have had one last score to help you out."

At this notion, and that of another drink, a spark of idea came into Four's head.

"I might have that last score." Four told his father.

"The grandma?" Four's father asked.

"She looks like she cares for some folks back at home, judging from the photograph in the cabin." Four said. 

"She reminds me of Flora." Four's father responded. "Your sister has a good heart. Always willing to help those who she deemed in need. Even if they didn't deserve it."

"Which is exactly the attitude that kept me from getting her into freelance privateering." Four sighed.

Four's father just raised his eyebrow.

"So are you in?" Four asked.

After Four's father gave a nod, Four eagerly got out of his chair and headed out of the tavern, before realizing he forgot to finish his drink, ran back in, and chugged the entire thing, before once again leaving.

**Author's Note:**

> I might need this for something in the future, so pretend like there's something important here.  
> 


End file.
